Tummy Time Mouth Breather

The pillow that lets you sleep face down!

• Extends life by allowing sleep, a requirement for humans
• Medium firmness that accommodates most face types
• Comfort snorkel avoids annoying ear rub
• Drool resistant fabric discourages staining
• Resists murder by suffocation 
• Great on planes!
• Bonus *Durable mouth receptacle prevents teeth grinding

Dorftrottel's latest invention, the Tummy Time Mouth Breather, allows the user to sleep face down without suffocating.    Sleeping on your back allows spiders or dust mites to drop on your face, sleeping on your side can lead to painful facial cramping, only sleeping on your face allows for hours of spider and cramp free sleep (anti-spider snorkel screen sold separately) .  Our studies show 7 out of 10 mouth breathers get an additional hour of rest every night. Sleep easy each and every night knowing you will not be murdered by suffocation, the crazed killer can try and try but you  will keep on mouth breathing.  Don't forget to take Tummy Time with you on your next flight, just put the tray table down and start mouth breathing!

Variable Grit Toilet Paper

Providing a wide range of grip and texture to achieve a maximal cleanse following a stool pass. 

• Fully clean by the second wipe, sometimes within the first
• Prevents butt shame
• Mostly flushable
• Exfoliates, like, real good

beginners should Start with the classic 120 grit.  Ensures good rough clean that's not too intimidating. 

Variable grit toilet paper allows anyone who uses a toilet to then choose the right tool to complete their adventure.  

Whether you've dropped hate and have the equivalent of dried glue shellacked to your dark valley or you're just not sure how much is left "on you" because if felt like turning a can of wet dog food upside down for 20 minutes, you'll have the right toilet paper to be sure you've been cleaned by the second wipe.  

What about the moments where it feels like you've turned a 5 gallon bucket of rain water with bits of peanut butter in it upside down? Not a problem.  Variable grit toilet applies all levels of grit to a super absorbent base to will soak up the thinnest of all elements.  

calloused to the point the 120 grit doesn't give you satisfaction? Upgrade to the 20 grit! A GOOD FIRM ROUGHAGE OF A WIPE THAT ALSO DOUBLY ENSURES CLEANLINESS. 

FOR THE EXPERIENCED USER, WE NOW OFFER THE EXTREME 2 GRIT PAPER.  tHIS BABY WILL GET STARTED BEFORE YOU'RE EVEN DONE.  cLEANLINESS LASTS MUCH LONGER THAN THE 20 GRIT BUT MAY REQUIRE SURGICAL INTERVENTION IF CLEANLINESS BLEEDING ISN'T CONTROLLED WITHIN AN HOUR. 

fROM OUR SPECIALTY LINE, WE NOW OFFER "lIAM nEESON'S FIST FROM THE GREY."  (please read warning label on packaging before use) 

Sexy Ab Projector

Turn that one pack into a sexy six pack

• Works immediately
•  No exercise required
• Multiple skin tones available
• 1,000 hour lamp life
• New fantasy modes: Reptilian and Woolly Bear

Wish you had a sexy beautiful six pack but hate exercise?  Wish no more, now you can have the six pack you always dreamed with no work what so ever.  All you have to do is attach the discreet Sexy Ab Projector to you headboard, bathroom mirror, crawlspace, or where ever your shirtless needs may be.  Sexy Ab projector comes with several skin tones for the perfect match so you partner will never know.  The long lasting Ab bulb lets you pose for hours without any embarrassing shut downs.  Don't let body shame let you down, project your own self confidence!